The Moments

Two years. It is going to be two years, today, when it all happened. It has been two years since Ankit left us. Those terrible moments are etched in our minds forever, like a bad dream. Our worst nightmare. We don’t want to re-live those moments but we can’t forget them either. They are an integral part of us now. In fact, those moments define us now. What we are and what we aren’t. We wish we had a time machine, somehow or the other we could turn the hands of the clock back. We pray and hope, as my wife does, that Ankit will come back. We do whatever we can. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, that help. The hope, the wishes, the prayers… And nothing helps. Nothing, whatsoever.

We are still trying to make sense out of it. It has such a profound effect on us, instilled so much fear in us that we have still not gathered courage to call one of our distant relatives who also lost their only son under such tragic circumstances. As much as we wish, we haven’t been able to pick up the phone, call them and offer our condolences. The very thought of calling them makes my wife hysterical. The trauma is unimaginable.  Those moments have taken their toll on the lives of us all.

The moments which changed our lives forever…… The moments we will never come to terms with. The moments gone by. You can’t live in moments gone by, but you can’t live without them either. 

Ankit's Memorial

Ankit’s Memorial? It sounds kind of weird to talk about Ankit and Memorial in the same breath. It sends a shrill down the spine. It hurts deep inside. Ankit’s Memorial? But that is what reality is. As painful; as brutal; as true; as death is.

Memorials. Never thought much about them until now. But I must admit, they are wonderful. Memorials are as awe inspiring as the person is for whom they are built. Larger than life. The tranquility; the calmness; the serenity; the quiescence, is amazing. If you ever need a place where you want to face the truth, as it is and not the way you want it to be, Memorials are the places.

You can be there for hours on and yet not feel the burden of time fleeting by. You can be there sitting with all your family yet not feel the need to talk to each other, not feeling it at the same time. You can be there sitting quite, yet talk your heart out. You can be there with your loved one, feel his/her presence, yet crying and asking yourself why he/she is not there. You can be there feeling like having touched him/her and yet be hollow inside.

Memorials, as beautiful and as wonderful as life is.

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Forever in Our Hearts

There are moments when it feels like nothing ever happened. I see Ankit. I feel him as well. I stretch my hand and my fingers touch him. The sensation, the touch, the feeling.Yeah, I know it is Ankit. I hear his voice. I talk to him too. Only that it is just me, talking. I don’t hear him speak. And I realize, it is not the same anymore. These are just the feelings. Precious feelings. Feelings, we live every single moment, everyday. Feelings, which make us believe Ankit is right here. And yes, He is. In Our Hearts.

A Journey to Nowhere

It is a long, painful journey. There is no end in sight, because there is none. But, why would I ever embark on such a journey in the first place? I wish I had a say in that. I wish somebody had asked me for my permission. I wish I had the power to do what I wanted. Wishes. They are just that.... wishes. Nothing more, nothing less.

It hurts to find out how helpless you are. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, in the world that you can do which can help. It hurts deep inside. It is painful, but you learn to live with it. The pain becomes an integral part of your life. The hollowness inside kills you every single moment. And there is no end, no escape, because there is none.