Ankit's Memorial

Ankit’s Memorial? It sounds kind of weird to talk about Ankit and Memorial in the same breath. It sends a shrill down the spine. It hurts deep inside. Ankit’s Memorial? But that is what reality is. As painful; as brutal; as true; as death is.

Memorials. Never thought much about them until now. But I must admit, they are wonderful. Memorials are as awe inspiring as the person is for whom they are built. Larger than life. The tranquility; the calmness; the serenity; the quiescence, is amazing. If you ever need a place where you want to face the truth, as it is and not the way you want it to be, Memorials are the places.

You can be there for hours on and yet not feel the burden of time fleeting by. You can be there sitting with all your family yet not feel the need to talk to each other, not feeling it at the same time. You can be there sitting quite, yet talk your heart out. You can be there with your loved one, feel his/her presence, yet crying and asking yourself why he/she is not there. You can be there feeling like having touched him/her and yet be hollow inside.

Memorials, as beautiful and as wonderful as life is.

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Time goes on…..

Time goes on. You don’t need anybody to tell you that. That’s a reality of life as Death is. Only that, the devastation, the void that death leaves behind is humongous. You survive the pain. You survive the sorrow. You live to see another day as well. But the toll it takes is beyond description, beyond imagination. For some, every single moment, every single day, is an excruciating journey to that inevitable end you wish happens sooner than later.  For others, it is their fate, their destiny, God’s will.

I believe, at the end of the day, it has nothing to do with fate, destiny, or will of the God. It is simply that you need answers to questions for which there are no answers. Why it happened? How can it happen to me? How do I live now?  Why me of all people? And as there are no logical answers, we resign ourselves to fate, destiny or God’s will.

As time goes on, you learn to live with those questions. But the search for answers continues. Only that a sense of resignation sets in. A sense of helplessness.

Time goes on. And, it does heal everything. Almost everything. The only thing it doesn’t heal is the hole in the heart, the void.

Forever in Our Hearts

There are moments when it feels like nothing ever happened. I see Ankit. I feel him as well. I stretch my hand and my fingers touch him. The sensation, the touch, the feeling.Yeah, I know it is Ankit. I hear his voice. I talk to him too. Only that it is just me, talking. I don’t hear him speak. And I realize, it is not the same anymore. These are just the feelings. Precious feelings. Feelings, we live every single moment, everyday. Feelings, which make us believe Ankit is right here. And yes, He is. In Our Hearts.

A Graduation That Never Happened

The day we always talked about and looked forward to finally arrived. Ankit graduated today. A time to celebrate.  A time to raise a toast. Only that, the day arrived two years too soon than it should have.  Only that it arrived the way, it should never have. That Ankit was not there when it mattered most. Does it matter that a degree was conferred upon Ankit posthumously? I wish I could have written otherwise. I wish I could roll back the time. I wish…

All the parents look forward to the day, their sons and daughters would walk on the stage as their names are pronounced, and receive their degrees. A proud moment.  Sort of a dream come true. A goal achieved. A destination reached. We did too. And so did Ankit. Only, Ankit was not there. None of us could gather the courage to walk on the stage as his name was pronounced. It was his uncle, who gathering all his courage, walked down the stage and received the degree for him. I did see him walking smilingly as his name was called. That was the moment I could not hold myself back crying. A moment when life seemed meaningless. A moment when nothing mattered. A moment when I felt the futility of it all.

We felt proud though. We felt proud that our son had it in him that the University thought it fit to confer a degree on him posthumously. Not a long journey but a well traveled one.  A life lived fully. A life lived meaningfully. So typical of Ankit. Ankit had everything planned. Graduating with honours; and he was on ITM Dean’s List. Becoming a millionaire by the time he is 40 years old; and, he was on his way to becoming one. He was where everything was his for asking. He was where it was just a matter of extending the hand and grabbing it all. So close yet so far. Destiny? Fate? I don’t know. I don’t know if it was his or ours? His, to leave everything behind or ours, to live without him???  

A Journey to Nowhere

It is a long, painful journey. There is no end in sight, because there is none. But, why would I ever embark on such a journey in the first place? I wish I had a say in that. I wish somebody had asked me for my permission. I wish I had the power to do what I wanted. Wishes. They are just that.... wishes. Nothing more, nothing less.

It hurts to find out how helpless you are. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, in the world that you can do which can help. It hurts deep inside. It is painful, but you learn to live with it. The pain becomes an integral part of your life. The hollowness inside kills you every single moment. And there is no end, no escape, because there is none.

Death

Death!!!!! What it is? What happens after death? Why do young people die? There are so many questions begging for answers. And, nobody has any definitive answers. All the answers are based on assumptions. Only if we know, if we have answers, we can live at peace with ourselves. I have people telling me that GOD needs good people and that's why He takes them away. What does that mean? That there are only bad people on Earth? And I refuse to believe that. I have people telling me that once you complete your work for which you were born, you die. How do we explain the stillborns and the children who die the day they are born?

In fact, I am starting to wonder, Is there any God at all? Because, if there is why is there so much injustice on earth? Why do people kill people in the name of religion? Why some people have more hunger than food while there are others who have more food than hunger? Why young girls get raped? If we all are children of GOD, Why He would let all this happen? Still searching for answers...............